I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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