a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
