my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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