Please, let me fuck your mom
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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