Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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