Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
