Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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