Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
