I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
