Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
