I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize