I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
