my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
