Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
sex in a hospital.. check
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
