we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
