Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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