Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
