i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
