My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Panties = found
Randomize
