I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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