Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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