If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
