Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
