no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
