i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
