i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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