Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
