just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize