So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
