in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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