Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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