I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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