so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
