Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Who died my cat blue again?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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