I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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