I just saw a hot homeless man
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize