God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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