Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
