As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
