she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
