Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
