i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
