I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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