So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
