she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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