Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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