She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
