I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
