I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize