I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
