i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
