Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
