I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My hand turned me down
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
