Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
