hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
