a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize