I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
