fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
