Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
