I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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