If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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