God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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