i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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