____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
