and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
