So drunk its hurt
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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