Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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