Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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