my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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