I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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