Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
