Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
