he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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