in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
