Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
